How to survive the nine (very tricky) stages of marriage.
Every bride envisions a lifetime of love and happiness when she walks down the aisle, but as time passes, nearly six out of ten women say they wouldn't marry the same man again, as revealed in a new book.
Best-selling relationship author Susan Shapiro Barash conducted interviews with over 200 women, ranging from 21 to 85 years old, for her latest book, The Nine Phases Of Marriage: How To Make It, Break It, Keep It. In this guide, she outlines the nine distinct stages that women who marry and have children typically go through. By helping women identify which phase they're in, Susan aims to empower them to strengthen their relationships.
Stage 1: Hopeful Bride
During this phase of a relationship, couples experience the idealized version of married life, savoring the essential elements of a happy marriage: passion, intimacy, and commitment. Despite having faced challenges together, there is a strong belief that the romance will endure, and the partner is viewed as a steadfast source of support. Susan noted, "Wives in this phase strive to maintain the passion in their relationship. Some expressed determination to make their marriages work, influenced by their parents' divorce." The advice for this stage is to nurture not only passion and intimacy but also cultivate a strong friendship to fortify the marriage.
Stage 2: Perfect Wife
Before the wedding, there was a mutual understanding that once we were married, both my husband and I would share the household chores. However, after two or three years, I find myself taking on the roles of social director, housekeeper, and errand runner all at once.
According to Susan, issues tend to arise in Phase Two because many men believe that walking down the aisle is proof enough of their commitment. In today's age, with more wives working outside the home than ever before, women often end up feeling overwhelmed and undervalued.
Susan points out that many women never anticipated certain habits from their husbands. When these bad habits surface, like leaving dirty socks under the kitchen table or letting rubbish bins overflow, it can be quite a shock. However, it's important to remember that no marriage is perfect. The key is to determine what you can tolerate and what you can't.
Stage 3: Child-centricity
Once the little one arrives, a woman's whole perspective can shift! Some of us may find ourselves less interested in our partners since they've fulfilled their procreative role. On the other hand, some women empower their partners to become amazing hands-on dads. It's easy to lose sight of ourselves in the chaos, and before you know it, adult conversations and intimacy take a backseat, creating distance between partners.
But fear not! Here's the prescription: Never lose yourself in the role of mother. Remember to nurture your relationship alongside your children. If you both envision a child-centric marriage, have an open conversation with your partner about how you want to raise your family. It's all about finding that balance and enjoying the journey together!
Stage 4: One bed, two dreams
In this phase, which usually occurs nine or ten years into a marriage, many wives express that spending a few days apart from their partner feels like a welcome break. Research conducted by Susan has revealed that even if wives are committed to staying married, resentments are beginning to accumulate. Common triggers for these resentments include financial matters and disagreements on parenting approaches. The suggested course of action is to lower the bar. By adapting to the changes that come with marriage and managing your expectations, you may experience less disappointment.
Stage 5: Distance
After being married for about 15 years and as our children become more independent, many wives start thinking about reentering the workforce. This phase can be a time of rediscovery and growth, but it can also be a fertile ground for challenges. According to Susan, around sixty percent of wives will experience either a physical affair or an "affair of the mind" at some point in their marriage. Affairs of the mind often develop in the workplace, where colleagues become close confidantes, and sometimes even develop crushes on each other.
Women have expressed that having an affair is a way to reconsider their roles as wives, as the lover often fulfills needs that the husband doesn't. It's almost as if the lover is the complete opposite of the husband. However, it's important to note that this doesn't have to be the case.
For those wives who miss the closeness they once had with their husbands, it's essential to make a concerted effort to improve things by spending quality time with their husband. This can help reignite the spark and strengthen the bond between partners.
Stage 6: Midlife Divorce
Are you a mid-life wife who's been in a long-term relationship? Did you know that affairs that start at this stage can be detrimental to your marriage? It's essential to consider what you're getting from your marriage at this point. With children becoming more independent and financial stability, you might feel more confident about your options. If you're starting to wonder about life outside your marriage and if the grass is greener, you're not alone. This could be a critical stage for many marriages.
But there's hope! Before making any major decisions, consider seeing a therapist on your own. It's also worth exploring a trial separation before jumping into marriage counseling or divorce. Taking these steps can bring clarity and help you make the best decision for your future.
Stage 7: Renegotiation
Approaching the 15 to 30-year mark in your marriage provides a fantastic opportunity for re-evaluation and recommitment. You may have noticed that some of your divorced or widowed friends aren't as carefree as they claimed to be, and the available dating pool might not seem so appealing. Susan astutely points out that for many women, the comfort and familiarity of marriage outweigh the option of walking away from the relationship. It's important to consider if your single best friend's enthusiastic tales of her love life are influencing your perspective. If so, it might be time to shake things up and breathe new life into your relationship with your husband.
Stage 8: Balance
Wow, after being married for 30 or 40 years, it's amazing how the dynamics can change with the arrival of grandchildren! Susan's insight is so uplifting - reaching a point where false premises are replaced by authenticity is truly comforting. Embracing this stage with graciousness and generosity towards our spouses while navigating the changes brought by grandparenting is key. Let's focus on being best friends and finding common ground. This is such valuable advice for strengthening our relationships as we enter this new phase of life!
Stage 9: Compassionate Love
As couples approach their silver or golden anniversary, wives understand the significance of refraining from disparaging their husbands and embracing forgiveness. Despite this mature approach, financial concerns may persist. According to Susan's research, women are often inclined to assume the role of the family's financial support system. This shift can be disheartening for older husbands who anticipated a debt-free retirement. Susan emphasizes that the seasoned wife exhibits resilience in Phase Nine, demonstrating adaptability while upholding the fundamental principles of marriage and commitment. The recommended course of action is to provide mutual support, refrain from dwelling on the past, and release lingering resentments. It's crucial to recognize that pursuing individual aspirations should not strain the marital bond.
